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Sunday, April 27, 2014

| thoughts on feeling |

You know those fire danger signs that you see when you're driving through the mountains? The arrow points to either low-moderatre warning, high, very high, severe, and extreme. My emotions usually lie right around that code red area. My emotional intelligence? Off the charts.

People always try to tell me to care less. When this happens, I want to tell them to f*ck off. On most occasions, I do just that. In my head. 

Some doctors or overpaid psychologists (don't take that the wrong way - I love you guys) might describe me as manic. I feel highs that make me want to tap my toes. I feel highs that make my cheeks hurt from smiling. I feel highs that have me opening doors for people 100+ yards away, buying cups of coffee on credit for the stoned dude outside Peet's, and striking up early morning conversation with the grumpy dude in the elevator on his way to work. I write about my elevator rides often. Let me tell you (if I haven't already) -- lots happens in there. 

On the other end of the spectrum (think, again, code red), I sometimes often leave yoga crying, feel the world stop when loss comes true, and can't keep my shit together at goodbyes. I hate airports and train stations. When I feel sad, it is this all encompassing and totally engrossing feeling that completely takes over my 

I also internalize other people's highs -- even strangers. Wedding videos? I have a wet face at the end of every play. Canon in D? Game over. Take this... My sister's cat was growing old and getting sick and I couldn't help but feel like my heart was stuck to the bottom of my shoe even when, every time I saw the cat, he bit me. Love bites? This morning they put Mookie to rest. I know my sister's heart is sad, which makes my heart sad. I really love her heart and I don't want it to be sad.

In conclusion, I think I feel things on a deeper level than most people. Whoever coined the quote above gets it. I'd like to be his/her friend. It's a blessing that I can internalize, appreciate, reflect on, hate and love and then express - be it in smiles or in tears - the things that make me feel. I'd rather ride the steep current of ups and downs than be numb. 

Happily yours, Sam

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